TRYING TO SHINE TO BLIND THE VOODOO DOLLS

TRYING TO SHINE TO BLIND THE VOODOO DOLLS

Trying to shine to blind the voodoo dolls

sticking sharp pins of insight dipped in stinging nettles

into my eyes like burning thorns that won’t wash out

even when the blue rose of the sky

puts her face in her hands and cries her heart out.

Made my Icarian ascent to the sun

like a kamikaze pilot in reverse trying to be positive

about the self-destructive aspirations

under my thawing wings, now

I’m trying to keep my balance on my spinal cord

stretched like a highwire suspension bridge

across an abyss that keeps expanding my insignificance

as I juggle planets with my feet I keep dropping

like my head in a guillotine made for mercy.

I want to say this is the dung-heap, this is the dogshit,

these are the maggots that thrive in the corruption of it

like toxicara worms that get in your eyes

and under your fingernails, and burrow

like small black holes through your heart

and let all the light out of your life like a slow leak

somewhere in the pipeline of the universe

that’s fracking me inflammably like a watershed

and I’m trying so hard to snow all over it

with the highest ideals of understanding and compassion,

every mystically specific flake sidereally designed

to ameliorate the repulsive and obscene

by cloaking it in white like an albino hypocrite.

For light years I used to believe if you

threw flower seeds in it, you could work it

like starmud blooded by a battlefield of torn corpses

into a bumper crop of zinnias and sublimely poignant stargrass.

Marvellous transformations of an outhouse

into the lunar beauty of the nocturnal Taj Mahal

making the black mirror, like the lost sheep, more beautiful

in a universe where love and light and life so often seem

mere mutations of the darkness.

Didn’t really want to make an ideology of a wild guess,

that would only add to the mess of cultish concepts,

and not really born to sow stardust

into the ploughed wound of a worm,

nevertheless, I drew a gold sword

out of a philosopher’s stone

and plunged it through the base metal of my heart

to suffer all those little deaths in life

and those liberating space twisting

indelible excruciations of cosmic transformation

that wrought this discipline of disobedience

I practise like an art into the absurd freedom

of the crazy wisdom that’s needed to make

a start somewhere, somehow, however small

by adding my crystal skull to the shining

like the sacred syllable of a drop of water

off the tongue of a silver leaf in the moonlight

that listens to it fall like a cross

between a good word and a tear on deaf ears below.

So I throw flower seeds on it in passing, the way

I throw all my loose change into a guitar case

trying to sing for a living against the impossible odds

of a dungheap laid like the corrupt cornerstone of things,

the ship of state expurgating in public like a sick whale

spinning the Parisian potential for the screening myths

of expensive, narcotic fragrances of rot on the Perfume Trail.

Say it isn’t so, Joe, but there you go, it is.

The terrorist oilwells are planting i.e.d.s

of inflammable water in the faucets of everyone’s kitchen,

so we can all burn to death

drowning in our showers in the morning

trying to chill things out

with corporate hellfire and brimstone

and legions of demon lawyers that give lying a bad name.

Been trying not to get so down I get

knocked off my axis like Neptune

ducking down below the celestial equator

and be dragged down into my own depths

by the snapping turtle of the world

that’s founded upon it like a totem on a gantry.

Barring the occasional eclipse to keep

the calendars tuned to the prophecies of doom

ranged against the small beginnings of the new moon

that might squeak through the third eye of the needle

just like mammals did at the end of the late Triassic

as the insignificant consequence of a cosmic event

that upgraded scales to feathers and fur to skin

as wolves turned into whales. Creative destruction

evident in extinction and evolution the same.

I try to keep my spirits up like a lead kite

by approaching it all as if it were

delightfully and horrifically absurd spontaneously

but an unmeaningly free and creative medium nevertheless,

and even if it isn’t etc., the most intriguing of delusions

it’s taken me light years to adapt to

without sitting in perpetual judgement

on the immensity of the darkness

that intensifies the nebularity of my enlightenment

with starclusters of insights that flower

like a mirage of fireworks in my dazzled mind.

Even if it’s no more than a flash of light out of the void

richocheting off the facet of a grain of sand,

or a firefly trying to stand up to the lightning,

or slim volume of igneous poems

wedged like a matchbook between tomes

like anthers of fire with phosphorus pollen

that will spread like wildflowers when it finally blooms

like foxfire in the ashes of an old growth forest.

Even to stand like a lighthouse on the moon,

having lost its sense of purpose, and yet,

still keep the fire in the tower burning as if

there might be a storm the way things change

and there could be a shipwreck, some nights

are so strange they’re like waves or cats

that leave things like dead moles and snakes

on the threshold of the far shore of your door out of here,

I’ve tried to keep on shining like a candle

trying to stay awake at a black starless mass

trying to make things dark enough to make an appearance,

and even when I haven’t managed it,

and all my shepherd moons are scattered like black sheep

by the snarling wolf of my mystically liberating nature,

suddenly showing up like the skull and crossbones

among the angel fleets grazing on the waves,

I’ve elevated waterlilies of constellations

that sat below the salt in the lowest place of all

to the zenith of my dreams like starmaps in transit

I’ve kept alight in a nightwatchman’s eyes for years

as he makes the rounds of the zodiac

like a candle still burning in the lanterns of his tears.

PATRICK WHITE