Friday, January 4, 2013

SHAPE OF DESIRE. HURT ONE. LOST. HOLINESS, GRIEVING


SHAPE OF DESIRE. HURT ONE. LOST. HOLINESS, GRIEVING

Shape of desire. Hurt one. Lost. Holiness, grieving.
Who could make love to someone as melancholy
and beautiful as you? And that face. Erotic innocence
baffled by a world that doesn’t quite know how
to receive your gift, however happy you are to give it.
Even in a small town where the virgins
who’ve turned everyone down get called slut
by six adolescent boys with the windows rolled down
like purple tinted skies just after sunset
to bluff the bruise out of the rejection by punishing it
as if it happened to someone else, you wear your face
more like a soft, sad atmosphere around an uninhabited planet
than the brittle carapace of an overturned begging bowl
like a turtle on its back most people wear for lifemasks.

I can see a milky aura of white hovering around your face
like an auroral scarf of light glowing with tenderness.
I’ve seen it before in the faces of both sexes, though
I’m heterosexually suicidal, and it lasts
about two years and then disappears for good
between a night and a dawn like the death of morning glory.
I’ve been into seeking other things myself,
but in the whole orchard when I’ve seen it in the past
I’ve often thought this must be the hour of the perfect blossom,
when a face isn’t an expression of anything, but a seance
that calls the gentlest spirits to it like night mist on a lake
and everyone mourns as if beauty were predestined to be forsaken.

Genius ever was so. And I suspect good people, too,
with quiet virtues kinder than plants returning oxygen
for carbon dioxide like new lamps for old, are just as betrayed
by the anonymous sacrifices they make in private
as they are commended in public by people who hate them.
I’ve got to be careful here because I don’t want
to dig a black hole in your heart, when I was out witching for water.
I’m trying not to use lightning bolts of insight
when a gust of intuitive fireflies would do the job.
I don’t want to be an unwieldy dragon among
the blue glass menageries of your exquisite tears.
Aggrandize the thorns and diminish the rose.
You can judge for yourself by the capacity of your eyes
to hold so many stars all at once that shining
can’t be stamped out like a cigarette heater on the carpet
anymore than the heart can doused like a burning house
and learn to live like a fire hydrant out of gratitude.

There’s definitely something seeking about the way you look.
Explore the loneliness. The sadness. The abyss.
Don’t lose the opportunity to learn to mindscape your pain.
As they say in Zen, intense heat unusual sprouts.
Orchids have been known to bloom in the shadows of outhouses.
Listen attentively to how even the most buff bells of life
seem to swing between the sentimental and the vicious
like two extremes of the same enzyme when it’s hard to tell
whether love’s still the lifeline it was reputed to be
or at the end, doubles back on itself and loops into a noose.

And don’t kid yourself. Not all waterclocks make it to the sea
nor do the salmon, however nobly they answer the call
to a higher vocation of oceanic consciousness, make it back up.
Spring no more favours the fledgling in its nest,
than a baited leg hold trap a wolf in mid-winter.
Many people talk and act as if they know what they’re doing,
but most of us are living like a secret that keeps us going,
so don’t be afraid when the unknown becomes inevitably vast
and space turns into glass you’re trying to swim through
like a goldfish or the flamingo fantail of a comet
and everyone’s got a precipitous attitude about what you should do.
It’s your cliff. Jump if you want to or enjoy the view
like a star that’s just been given your eyes like its first telescope.
But don’t let yourself be pushed. Make sure
you’ve got the feathers for it because timing in life
is synonymous with the whole of its content, and suicide?

That’s like asking antimatter to come to the rescue
of a lifeboat with a positive outlook going under
as your life flashes before your eyes like lightning without thunder.
If you want to respect yourself for the immensities
of the myriad annihilations you’re willing to risk,
go all the way like a dragonfly uncurling from its chrysalis
like a question mark that crawls out onto a limb
into an exclamation mark that unfolds its wings and flies
when there’s no where else to swim. Do it creatively
and take a much more dangerous leap of absurdity
by risking it all on a beginning that starts with a fall
and ends up a mountain climber with a base camp among the stars.

What aviator laments the broken egg-shell on the ground,
cosmic or earthbound, when the whole sky lies before it
with a smile on its face as wide as your wingspan
and a heart as big as any abyss, as if it always knew,
as the wind comes to the fireflies and the stars
in a perpetuity of unperishing perennials that refuse
to bloom like traffic lights and triggers, one night,
maybe now, in a blaze of self-immolating transformation
as surely as the Pleiades coming up like the chandelier
of a lost earring in the east, just as beautifully,
in the great lost and found of sorrow and bliss
you, too, no less bravely, would come to this.

PATRICK WHITE

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