ESTRANGED IN MY NORMALCY
Estranged in my normalcy
am I mocking myself by living this way,
nothing to achieve,
everything to explore?
And it can be spiritual quicksand at times
to realize that no one experiences the seeing
because the seeing is us,
and lonely and cold and older than weather,
well beyond eyes.
And there’s a different kind of light
that illuminates the stillness with its dark clarity
and expands the frequencies of awareness
throughout its perfect creation
with a silence more horrific than love
and sometimes I think
I have annulled my being in that.
And the leaves fall
and I wonder about everything
and listen to the mystery and the sorrow
in the squalls of the Canada geese overhead at night.
It’s not so important
that they mean anything anymore,
the beads of the rosaries they were broken and scattered;
the muezzin on the minara merely the wind
that blows incessantly, but still,
they’re as sacred as they ever were
and I am awed like a well listening to the stars
by their passage
and the beauty and brevity of mine,
inflections of the same unknown endeavour
by the indiscernible doer
who may or may not be us.
Jupiter in Sagittarius
and in two days
the ecliptic will intersect
the celestial equator at the equinoctial colure
and it’s autumn again
and it’s hard to be cynical and incisive in the afterglow
of things that don’t last
when you’re one of them.
I miss every woman I’ve ever loved.
I wish I’d been kinder to my dead friends.
Where have my children gone?
Did I give it my all, and my all
amount to nothing?
Asters in the yellow grass.
Waterlilies on the further shore.
Forgoing knowledge and provision and place
I have come to compassion
by deepening the profundity of my insignificance.
Low orange moon among the willows,
I am a sad fool
looking for lightning and fireflies
in the benign extremeties of my ashes,
licking the rims of these bells of wisdom
I carry to my grave
to taste their iron for wine.
My nature is radiant
but I assess things like an eclipse.
Of all my mistakes
freedom is the most intolerable perfection.
Of all my perfections
freedom is the best flaw.