Tuesday, January 31, 2012

I HAVE NEVER SAID


I HAVE NEVER SAID

I have never said to anyone that I loved them
and not meant stars, not meant soft green lanterns, not
meant the light coming out of the dark
and fireflies on a windy summer night by a black lake
or the lamp that draws the doe out of the shadows
or the moon drunk quicksilver in the inebriated window
warping its image through the delusional weeping
of dirty winter glass signed like a guestbook
by everybody’s tears, inside and out, and this
still the case though I’m old enough to know
all that crying never turned into a single chandelier
and sad ink’s a bigger liar thread for thread
than the dyes of joy that colour the whole head hopeful.
And I have lain like an island of flesh in a coven of candles
beside cool dolphins with seabird hands
off the coast of my longing, and marvelled
at the amazing bridges of their bodies
and how they nudged my shipwrecked heart ashore.

I have never said to anyone that I loved them
and not meant the mountain ribbon of a bloodstream
that could fill to the brim the infinite cosmic goblet
of an eye, emptier than a telescope dying of thirst
in a desert of stars, with the wine of its endless flowing;
never said I love you to a tree or a door or a cat
or the chain of footprints I drag through the snow like the past
and not meant some era of a woman
who came and stayed awhile with me
in the desolate shadows of a late afternoon apartment
like the first rising of a second moon
I could live on alone in a garden of skulls and fountains.

And even when I draw the suicidal hypotenuse
of love’s last crescent across my left wrist
to bury myself in an alma mater of unsanctified ground,
having given a hand to the death of a savage passion,
or swept my continental vision off the table
back into the coffin like an archipelago
of missing jigsaw pieces, 
more vacancies than a honeymoon hotel
everytime I try to assemble it, I still know
even if it isn’t vouched to me,
that love is life, and life is a bride
that walks to the altar of her mysterious sacrifice alone,
trailing her ancient veil of stars
along this endless road of ghosts, and somehow
even when I’m the corpse of a fox in the ditch
among the white, sweet, wedding clover,
having been struck from the glare of her highbeams,
it is always somehow strangely okay
and foolishly worth it.

PATRICK WHITE

AND THE ROSE


AND THE ROSE

And the rose of someone else’s dawn,
a warning to drowned sailors,
mingling in the shadows and the leaves
just beyond the bay 
of the window where I stand
with my last afterlife
like a star in a shoe.
And there are voyages I’ll never make
and ones I have
for the sake of the going,
for the islands and the witches, the sirens
and the green flames of the fairies
that crept out from under
the stone of my heart
like a crown of petals, eyelashes,
cool palings of fire.,
and danced for the honey and the gold
from the paper hive
softened from stone
they had made of my life in ashes.
And there’s not much difference
between a sky and a sea,
no two wardrobes ever the same,
an expanse of space and skin,
wide palms of water,
and the confluence of lifelines
the deltas and the rivers,
the arteries and veins
the lightning and the branches,
weeping on a windowpane,
the fossils of leftover tears
that winced like an eye
in the hair of the jellyfish
that washed up out of their agony
like rain. And there are fools I’ve been
that don’t remember me
and lighthouses on the moon
that didn’t heed their own advice.
But there was always something
truer in the absurdity,
a mystery or a jewel, the memory
of a face I’d never seen,
some annihilation
with a threshold of stars
I’d never crossed, a whisper
of light, a fragrance, a voice
singing to itself in a lonely place
that put my caution to shame.
And it’s been my life to go,
to cross, to enter, to know
the lostness as my own,
and the darkness and the solitude
where I begin and end
like water taken from the river
and the river returned
as the moorings of the emptiness
I took for a boat
like a face
between the pages of my hands,
and all in the name of some nightbird
some shadow of a wing
that covered my heart
with such a quick eclipse
that no one even noticed I was gone.
Poetry, love, life; the shore is one thing
but the sea another,
and it’s not that I was brave
or thought I could walk on water
or had a secret starmap,
wiser than the rest;
I looked into the abyss with a shudder,
as if I had to kiss
a cobra on the head
or enter a spider’s womb
without being caught,
for the terrible acceptance
of what I sought
beyond the starless gates
and moth warnings
of the usual taboos. Every terror
scales a treasure, and the dragon
masks its secret,
not meant for the circumspect,
in risk. The sane prefer heaven
but heaven isn’t for the sane
who don’t know how to die enough
to answer the sphinxes and grails.
And it’s made me
a heretic of the heart,
a rogue star, a poet,
to live this way,
drinking the black wine
that was offered me
from the skulls
that lined the mouth
of the mysterious death
in the doorway
of every true entrance.
And it’s not the lies
that kill you,
nor the truths,
or looking through
a hole in the fence
at things you were never meant to see,
the medusa making love
to an apple-tree,
or Isis naked behind her veils
that no one’s ever lifted;
it’s returning
the way you came
from the wells
of the transformations,
the mountains of the muses,
the islands and the trees
of seduction and death,
unchanged, your tears still tears
not jewels of the blood,
and your voice,
not the fire of poison-tipped spears.

PATRICK WHITE

Monday, January 30, 2012

TIRED OF SUPPLYING THE STARS


TIRED OF SUPPLYING THE STARS

Tired of supplying the stars their skeletons,
or webbing them into constellations
like love-letters written in prison,
or dusting the hieroglyphics of their fossils
pressed between the pages of nocturnal shale,
looking for signs of original life,
this brevity of perilous confusion
that sits on a throne of fog,
its quicksand foundations
the filth of fanatics and fools, my skull
a paperweight in a laurel of razorwire,
and every gesture of purity, every
symbol, emblem and image of light,
every effort to labour for greener domains
heart by heart, just
another mode of murderous betrayal,
lipstick on toilet paper,
a bullet hole in a swan, I long
for the clarity of mornings that don’t exist
to assure me I haven’t wasted my life
trying to feather a human out of coal.
I want a future that isn’t already a ghost,
I want to know at nightfall, bloodfall, eyefall,
that the available dimension of tomorrow
isn’t just another stalling tactic of today, isn’t
just more vinegar
bruising its eyelids with wine,
the slash of a thin smile greased with cherries.
I want to know that I haven’t been planting
apple trees on the moon,
that somewhere in September on earth,
a bough bends under the weight
of a windfall of planets
wrapped in thin-skinned sunsets
ripe with sugars and seeds
ready to fall to the living root
of their own beginnings
like cupfuls of water and light
returned to the river I took them from,
but sweetened by the spirit
that cherished them like gifts
I made of the gift that was given to me,
this diamond devotion to orchards and oceans
and the wounded humans that walk beside them,
their hearts unharnessed like ploughs.
Tired of having my jaw wired before I’m dead
to the remnants of myself,
these reconstructions of teeth and vertebrae
in the puppet-master museums
that put the future on display
before it’s born, my heart
a black embryo in formaldehyde, a ghoul
in a circus of interrogative clowns
that conjecture on what I might have been
had I devoted myself like rain
to different bloodstreams, had I
not disavowed the old, cracked creekbeds
to make a river of my own flowing.
I want to sit down like a lottery
with a choirmaster in a cemetery,
with a gravedigger on the moon who longs
for the probable impossibility
of knowing how many legs are on a snake
as he tries to reinvent himself from scratch;
I want to sit down on the hilarious ground
at the end of a long apprenticeship
and laugh until I’m sick with certainty
at the accomplished absurdity
of recognizing my best work
in the last phase of a lifelong eclipse.

PATRICK WHITE

WHAT DO WE KNOW?


WHAT DO WE KNOW?

for Simon and Samantha

What do we know, what does all our knowledge amount to
in these infinite spaces of ours, within and without,
if not less than nothing, perhaps a single hair
in the endless vastness of these abysmal depths
that keep on blooming within us black rose after black rose,
moon-face after sun-face?
And in these realms of transformation
where everything is once, once only for everything,
no second thought, no second person, no witness
or revision, no retrieval once held like water or sand in our hands,
and gone, implacably, purely, time flowing into time;
in this dream without bridges, what
does all our feeling, all the ore we haul up out of our secret heart-mines
and refine in the fires of our desires and longings
over the long labour of a lifetime amount to
if not the flaring of a match in aeonic fathoms of darkness?
Isn’t this life, for all that we say in silence and words, unsayable?
And when we reach for one another, strange auroras
of light and love coursing through our blood
like the mystical horses that graze in the pastures of the moon,
don’t our hands always turn into water
and the radiance that filled the empty bag of our hearts
like August sugars in an apple orchard
leak out of our exaltations,
a refugee line of dead stars pouring out of a defeated country,
sand from a cracked hourglass?
What can we hold here of one another,
even if we become the high priest of the holiness
that shines in the shrines of another’s eyes; even if
we lay our lives down like a patched robe of blood
on the stairs of the temple, small religions to one another
and walk naked and unmasked down the world mountain
back to the crude hovel of a valley heart
that has spent itself completely; what have we achieved
that is anything more than melting snow and mountain streams
washing themselves clean of themselves?
We can whisper like the sea in another’s ear
vows of forever that are written in water by the wind;
or under the closed eyelids of our private skies,
drunk on the dream-wine, replace all our own most intimate stars
with the bright constellations of another’s being
to live in one house of fate together, abdicating our own
like a northern crown. We can do all this and more, so adept
have we become in our grasping and rejecting,
so ingeniously desperate have we grown over the millennia
at weaving moonlight on the black waters of the lake
into the most elaborate tapestries of delusion,
or hiving sunlight out of wildflowers into white gold
to marry a world that keeps slipping out of our immaculate rings
into a blind, mute night so remote it eludes
even its own shadows and echoes. Constantly
offering ourselves like gifts to love, life, destiny, leaves on the wind,
risking annihilation and immaculate ashes,
why do we keep on waking up, returned to ourselves,
address unknown, slumped across own lonely thresholds?
If the world today, if this little wink of eternity
seems so often like a small black match-head
curled into the charred monk of a question-mark
that has swallowed the dancing flame of its own answer;
if people and events seem vicious, greedy, and ignorant,
junkyard dogs posted around heaps of corpses and cars,
the sprawl and scrawl of wreckage and disappointment,
the litter of flies on a winter windowsill
that exhausted themselves against the ice and glass,
looking for an opening; what is it all,
the violence, the drugs, the indifference, the subtle poisons,
the corporate leeches, if not the desecration
of the unattainable, acid-rain hissing on the rose-fire,
the obscenity of human lovelessness?
And yet, even in the midst of such obvious defeat,
crippled by angels and demons alike, we go on longing
to touch and be touched, dry seas on the moon
waiting, how long, how long now, for the return of even so much
as a single drop of all the rivers we’ve lost, we go on
yearning to embrace o not just
the fragile vase of her body crammed with flowers,
or the pillar of his, adorned by passionate torches,
but the mystery of the night and the slumped hills
disappearing into the bird-voice of the distance, we go on
aching to have all of it poured insanely into us
like closet drunkards chugging the stars. No feet, still,
we’ll crawl down the coal-road on all fours for a taste of flowing diamond; blind,
yet we’ll paint worlds on the back of our eyelids
and shed them like the petals of peonies
just for a glimpse of the ineffable beloved
always disappearing around the corners of our seeing.
Excruciating razors of pain might slash us open again and again,
clear skies and all their unread, lyrical scriptures
be run through a paper-shredder in hasty evacuations of the heart,
and yet even in the grave, the green leaf of a phoenix wing
stirs, unknowingly, the ashes, so relentlessly are we infused
with this strange and marvelous hunger to love.
It’s easy enough after all these years and weddings for us
to turn the waters of being into wine, but how
to turn the wine into us so that we are always drunk on joy,
the heart an inexhaustible fountain-mouth full of singing birds
because we know, because we have always known, even
before we were born, even before the mind made the body
and we arrayed ourselves as the world,
as rivers, stars, stones and trees, that our very being, every action
and agency of our lives, every breath, every cell,
and the small, silent voice that assents within,
that offers its worldless yes to another, is love, is reality, is
the mountain that makes the valley
it falls from itself to fill. Immersed in love,
we go looking for love with our hands our heads our hearts on fire,
bewailing the futility of the looking, the finding, the losing,
pilgrim waves wandering across an infinite sea of love,
we keep breaking on alien shores in our search for love
only to be drawn back into love. Fish in water
and yet we go on crying out of thirst. How amazing!
Under the stones of ourselves, diamonds; warm rivers of gold,
and even in the clashing of our hardened hearts,
a spark, a firefly, a hundred million stars of love released
like the fragrance of a single flower, or hidden bird-song on a green bough,
love calling out to love so unfailingly
that the whole of the world to the furthest star
is created anew in every second by the instantaneous answering.
That’s what we are, have been, since before
the beginningless beginning of all things, love
revealing itself to itself in the perfection of its own inseparable being,
that’s our original face, our original home, the light-seed
of this orchard world. Do you understand?
This world is so completely, absolutely, nothing but love
that even the darkest sky bends down to kiss the dawn on the forehead,
and not an atom moves in space
but moves burning through the fires of love at the behest of love.
Why look for what you already are; why, impossibly, try
to scoop the moon’s reflection from the water,
hoping to drink immeasurably from love’s elusive madness
when you are already the goblet and the wine, the grape and the vine?
Just this once, turn the light around, and look inside yourselves
as if you were an unmarked box, a secret gift
left on the doorstep in the night by an intimate stranger
and discover for yourself the origin without end
of all your looking. Without thinking, without reasoning
or the torment of why, open yourself up like an orphan’s empty hand
and discover the dark, priceless, living jewel of love
whose mysterious shining has always been the you that is looked for
and the you that has done the looking, love
looking into its own eyes like a star
looking into a flower, or an echo returning to the voice on the branch
that gave birth to it, or here, today,
at this mingling of veils and waters
where love whispers Sam and Simon answers out of the silence, yes,
and soon we’ll all be out dancing together, married to each other unsayably,
ten thousand moons in ten thousand windows,
ten thousand brides of light
in ten thousand grooms of dew
joyfully beyond denial and affirmation
in ten thousand wall-less rooms of light
rippling out through this endless summer night
like the pulse of a single heart, a single jump of the fish,
a small drum of blood beating out in the bright vacancy, dark abundance
of these vast vivid spaces:
not two. not two. not two. not two.

PATRICK WHITE

Sunday, January 29, 2012

I LONG FOR WORDS


I LONG FOR WORDS

I long for words that don’t exist;
I long for a light
that my eyes have never flowered in before,
but hope is a gravedigger
singing in a pit
and I removed those bones long ago
to accommodate the newly dead.
Now I conduct night-classes under a bridge
for working constellations.
And I don’t really know what I’d say
if the silence were ever
to shape the urn of my voice
into an uncontainable emptiness again;
so that every drop of dew
on every blade of grass,
while the moon rose 
through the broad-leaved basswood grove
were wrapped like a sky
in the skin of my eyes.
What can be understood
is already slurred by signs,
and the best way to hide
is to go looking for yourself.
Forgetting for the moment
that ignorant doors
are not looking for enlightened keys,
maybe I would still try to express
that first dark kiss
of the original fountain-mouth
that stepped out of the tide of an eclipse
like an island or a woman
who wore the shore of her own shapeshifting body
to walk like a watershed into consciousness.
But the light cloaks as well as reveals
and eventually the eyes
evaporate into their visions,
and the hearts of the seers
hang like drops of blood
above the cold and empty cauldron of the universe.
Time and suffering
will enlighten the profound folly
of your most sacred delusion
and in a black lightning flash
before the arising of signs
you’ll know whose signature the wind is.
How many tomorrows ago,
furious and young,
did I make a ladder
out of violated thresholds
to climb up to the window of a burning lighthouse
and rescue myself like a child
from this moment now?
Follow someone else’s road
and you walk your own wake.
Make your own
and you are everywhere
the immoveable seed
the world flowers for.
When your silence turned grey,
and your jewels
no longer hosted the light
in their darkening palaces,
and your echoes rewrote the original play
for three actors with the same voice,
and all your one-legged bridges
stood on a single bank,
longing to straddle heaven,
and you let your heart wither
until it was only a medicine bag
full of sacred dirt,
and what you once knew
without a witness,
you now forced yourself to believe in
like a sinner you thought you were
pressed into jury duty against herself
because eventually all the lies come true
and sin is just another form
of back porch enlightenment
to obviate your entrance
into the greater delusion of virtue.
Do you remember what it was like
to see clearly
before you poured 
all this snakefire and moonsilt into the well?
Now you’re trying
to wash a mudslide off
in a drop of dew,
straining to cast the shadow of a mountain
behind every grain of dust.
And you’re afraid
to be afraid that all
your goofy revelations of personal apocalypse
are cliches of other people’s wisdom
on the back of a matchbook,
that you’ve passed
through the gates of midnight thousands of times
only to find
you’re still veiled like a nun
by the light of your own passage.
The answer shows up
and you start looking for the question.
You wear your nakedness on the outside
to disguise your masks
and what kind of a lover can you be now
that you’re too shy
to undress in front of yourself?
How many skeletons
have you tried like keys
on the doors of your emptiness,
trying to get out of yourself,
only to realize
the abyss between your legs
has no inside or outside,
that the void never checks its mail
for love-letters,
that all your scars and bruises
rolled up into a ball
still don’t make a moon
with a sea and an atmosphere?
You never liked me
because I wouldn’t lie to you,
and though I ached for the oblivion
in the black fire of your lust,
and waited for you to rise from the lake
to claim my burning body,
and loved you like the death I was meant for,
I never could teach you
to swim through ashes with dragons,
or convince you you weren’t blind
when the mirrors turned their backs
to prove by the light of a brighter darkness
your eyes were your own.
You shot past me
like a near-sighted asteroid
thrown like the first stone
at a planet grown stubborn with life
the cold, igneous ore of your porous heart
could not sponsor on its own.
You took what you thought was aim
and squeezed one off
the trigger of the moon
as the hammer fell on the anvil of your body
and you recoiled like a serpent with intent.
You missed
and have gone on as you are forever,
stunned by the concussion that proved
beyond the shadow of a misfire
you’re bad ammo,
a leaky white phosphorus grenade
advancing rapidly toward the front lines
of a war with yourself
already well lost
when you came out of the tent
of your high command like a worm
with the battle plan of your next breath
and the junkie poppies
that blow like kisses between your crosses
row on row
o.d.’d en masse like a blood transfusion
rather than remember
anything about you.
Some people just make more of an impact
than others I guess.
But I haven’t completely forgotten you.
You were the pygmy empress
in the shadows of the single matchstick pillar
of your own self-renown,
trying to plough the moon with a sword
that couldn’t tell the difference
between a crater and a crown.

PATRICK WHITE