I endorse other people’s attempts to love;
never my own,
accounting myself unloveable:
some perversity of childhood
that wants to square the moon,
an infernal-heretical aspect
too convivial with the blind watchman
at the nightgate
that has never been closed to anyone.
Long ago somehow I entered
like a black star on a pilgrimage
to the ancient shrines of the waterlilies,
hoping their ubiquitous openess
reserved a stair for my tribute
as well as that of the brighter lights
gathered more conventionally
into their tribal constellations.
I don’t know what fate I betoken,
but I must be the illegitimate son
of some kind of shining
or what are all these roses
that drowned like eclipses
doing in my blood,
pleading with me
to sever the threads
that sewed their eyelids shut
with a virgin needle?
I don’t know what women see
when they look at me
but I always feel like an oasis on the moon
on the dark side in the beginning
before heaven ruins everything
with the mythically-inflated protocol
of a pygmy on a dragon-throne
when I look at them.
Sometimes I’m bitter,
remembering all the beautiful mundanities
that were later transformed
into visionary terrors,
the indelible eternities
in a smear of lipstick on a kleenex
rumpled like an unseasonal lotus
on the kitchen table after she left,
the endearing love-letters that were folded
like the severing steel of a Damascene sword.
I can’t remember how many times
I cut my throat on the moon
before I learned to sing to myself in the dark
like a bird born without wings
or fought in the immaculate solitude
of my own igneous depths
not to loose faith with the dream in the wine
I drank like my own reflection
from an iron flower.
Too changed by the struggle
to claim I endured,
and fool I may be,
or irrelevantly listed among the ignorant,
but I still can’t concede
that joy is the preface
to a biography of scars
that aren’t worth the torment
of the delirium
that inks these fangs of light with life.
The mind is its own experience.
There is no self
to adjudicate the arraying of the world.
Is love any different?