Saturday, November 3, 2012

WHEN YOU'VE AVERAGED OUT YOUR CRCUCIALS


WHEN YOU’VE AVERAGED OUT YOUR CRUCIALS

When you’ve averaged out your crucials
and you’ve walked in the light and you’ve walked
in the shadows of things your eyes still taste of
though you’ve set a star as the moral compass
of your cloudy destination, and it’s following you
down a long stray thread of a road, the smart money
bets on doing some good in the world
you may not even be aware of, let alone
expect payback for as if you were doing business
not gambling on an intuitionally calculated risk
its probably better to leave a sweeter cachet to the place
for your having been here, chicory by the side of the road,
or wild orchids in the marsh, by the addition
of one flower more than to desecrate your life
with bitterness, resentment, the indifference of ambition
when its heart gargles with an inhumane antiseptic
to keep from being infected by the human in its bloodstream.

You don’t have to arrange paradigms of shining
into some kind of mandalic starmap unless you want to.
Giving something up isn’t the same as adding yourself to it.
Even if you foreknow you’re doomed to lose, total eclipse,
if you’re a real gambler, you lose with flare, like a solar corona.
You’re intrigued by the unfolding of the road you took,
the river you’re running, the rapids in the mindstream
you’re about to shoot down the middle in an inflatable life raft
in the spring run off of the waterclock of a reverential northern river.
It might be important to seek
the eventual forgiveness of the night
for what we’ve done to it, treating it as a reward
for breathing our way through another day in the light.
But the stars aren’t listening to the alibis
we’re whispering in the dark to our selves.
They labour under the cowbells of their own myths of origin.

But you can always do a little good in the world.
The whole place is wounded. No shortage of opportunity.
You can drive the ambulance back to the hospital.
You can be the atom that decides the outcome
of a cosmic event, so slight are the actions of the random,
chaos in action, it just takes one to light up
infinite time and space moment by moment
and blow it out just as quickly to enhance the night,
the pulsar of a firefly in a lighthouse of dark matter.
You ever wonder how many messiahs
have come and gone from the world
without ever once having heard of themselves?
If you don’t like to drink spit out of the public fountains
of other people’s mouths, though they exhale rainbows in the mist
maybe it’s time to taste your own to see if it’s sweet or not.
When things are real, not solid, nothing’s diminished,
nothing’s enlarged, because size is no longer relevant
in a world of wavelengths that have given up living like particles.
And forms are more provisional than cast in bronze.
Waifs of the air, maple leaves cast on the mindstream
covering their own reflections with the fans and hand mirrors
they carry like accessories to their own deathmasks.

Hard to make a wax mould of a dream, an emotion, or an insight.
The mystery of life isn’t an interpretation
waiting to be deciphered any way you like,
though you’re free to do this with the impunity
of a crossroad puzzle. Its silence is a deeper eloquence
than that, and when it expresses itself it’s as immediate
as starlight on water. Its spontaneity never hesitates
to shock us with the impersonal beauty
of a moonrise over the lake in a lunar flood of wonder.
Or some small act of love that’s denounced by the doer
as a foolish way to live against the odds, as soon as it’s done.

Everybody’s on death row here. No one gets out alive
or unwounded. Sparrows and stars and houseflies
pass freely through the bars, and the wind at night
whistles through them like the vocal cords of a harp.
Would it hurt to pass a cigarette through them
to someone in front of a firing squad of stars
or write a loveletter for someone who can’t read it?

PATRICK WHITE

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